The Things They Don’t Tell You
My snookers and reason I’ve made it this far!
Where do I begin? In some ways the past six months have flown by and in other ways each day (sometimes down to the hour) has been so painfully long. At the risk of sounding like a drama queen - literally unbearable. When COVID first was a thing I used to detest when people would talk about the “new normal”. Well, here I am using those dreaded words to describe what I have found myself navigating daily since August 13th, 2025.
It has been 182 days of no alcohol for me (but who’s counting? CLEARLY I. Am. Counting). Truth be told there have been some mornings when I wake up and it isn’t the first thing I think about. Unfortunately it tends to trend more towards being the first thing I think about. Some mornings I wake up with so much hopefulness I feel like my heart can’t take it and other mornings I wake up in a state of panic due to some bizarre nightmare I have had that included me going back to my old ways and chugging Pinot Grigio and starting that entire shit show all over again. Will this ever end? I don’t know but one thing I do know is I am not going to give up and hopefully one day I will have the answer.
Sharing this very private part of my life is very new to me. For anyone that knows me well you know that my life is an open book. Well, that is mostly true except for the big dark secret I was hiding. What a contradiction it has been when I have shared with people that I am an alcoholic - the majority of the responses have been “you weren’t that bad” “nothing bad happened” “are you sure you were addicted or were you just really stressed out because of a, b, or c” shitty thing that was happening in my life. (My husband was diagnosed with bladder cancer in October of 2024. I would inevitably end up where I found myself but we like to say this was a bit of a Fast Pass to my alcoholism).
I’d like to warn you that I am going to ramble. I will more than likely share things because I am hoping it will help me feel better. So, yes. This blog is selfish but one thing I’ve learned is that I have to fight for my sobriety no matter what so voila! I am also going to try my best to make this comical because if I can’t laugh, I’m going to cry and I am so sick and tired of crying all the time.
Here are a few things that no one tells you when you embark on your sobriety journey. Chances are these aren’t the same for everyone but these are the things I wish I had known.
RAGE. Rage will become a new best friend. Someone cuts you off on the road? RAGE. Someone looks at you strange? RAGE. Wawa doesn’t have Diet Mountain Dew (which is my ONLY guilty pleasure)? RAGE. A random group of women sitting next to you enjoying their brunch or lunch and cocktails, laughing with zero cares in the world? RAGE. And we are talking scary levels of rage. Couple this with perimenopause and it is a miracle I haven’t bitchslapped anyone yet. I wish this wasn’t true however I am working on not being so full of rage. That should count for something, right?
Anxiety. Jesus Christ. I get so anxious all of the time. I find that I am especially anxious in social situations (mostly sporting events that I am voluntold to attend) due to the fact that almost everyone present is drinking alcohol and I truly have zero interest in the actual sporting event itself so I used to get drunk and make my own fun. It sounds so pathetic to write it out but it’s the truth and if there is one thing I am trying my best to do it is to be honest. I’m having anxiety ridden nightmares. I have anxiety when I’m shopping at Publix and I walk by the wine aisle. Why? I don’t have a clue but thankfully I haven’t relapsed yet. One thing that hasn’t given me anxiety is telling people I’m sober. I practice quite a bit on strangers and it definitely makes it easier to share when it comes time to share with someone closer to your daily orbit.
Sobriety is a gift. In beginning I didn’t like the word sobriety, didn’t like thinking about sober and shamefully I will admit that I absolutely hate that this is my life now. I don’t want to be an alcoholic, I don’t want to not have fun like I used to for the past 30 years, I don’t want to be the Debbie Downer that no one wants to invite to nights out anymore because I’m not drinking. As luck would have it I was in reading a “quit lit” book and the author described changing your mindset to view sobriety as a gift. This sounded very hippy dippy to me but a few very lucky things happened to me that I realized never would have happened if I had been actively in addiction. Sobriety truly is a gift and when you start to train your mind to view it as such, God does start to show you some truly spectacular things.
I want candy. The craving for sugar is next level. I already had a sweet tooth but goodness gracious I have put away some candy in the past six months. When you think about the amount of sugar in 2 bottles of Pinot Grigio that I was drinking daily I can cut myself a little slack.
AA is weird but I love it. While in detox I attended my first AA meeting. I actually attended one for every day I was there. I didn’t know what to expect and it was overwhelming not to know the traditions, the sayings, the prayers, how to share, what not to share, not to cross-share, etc. The people in these meetings have been my life line. When you find your meeting/your people you just know. There is something extremely comforting to sit in a room of people who all know how terrible you feel, who know what it feels like to be so full of shame you don’t want to live anymore and they all know that choosing sobriety is the strongest and most terrifying decision you are ever going to make. To look around a room of strangers and feel so welcomed and accepted is remarkable. It is like having your very own sober cheering squad and I love it.
All things are possible through God. I am a practicing Catholic and have done my best to live a Christian life but I can say with 100% certainty that God is the reason I haven’t picked up a glass of wine in six months. When I made the decision to get help and to get sober I 100% decided to give myself to God. I was going to be open, I was going to listen and I was going to trust that my faith in God was going to save me from my depths of despair. By his grace I have made it this far and by his grace I will continue on this journey and I will not give up. When I am anxious, I pray. When I am thankful, I pray. When I am feeling hopeless, I pray. You see in movies or tv shows when someone is struggling with addiction or struggling to stay sober and they drop to their knees and pray feverishly. I used to think that was so over dramatic. That was until I found myself doing it out of desperation and thank sweet baby Jesus it has worked.
I am addicted to coloring. “Hi, my name is Courtney, I am 48 and I am ADDICTED to coloring”. It has been my saving grace. When I get anxious I color. I sit on the couch and spend hours coloring while my husband watches sports or the news or whatever and it takes me to my happy place. I love it and hope I continue to love it for years to come.
Alcohol is EVERYWHERE. Get over it. There is nothing you can do about it. My sister and I were talking in the beginning of my sobriety and she gave me some really sound advice. She said that a lot of times people that are successful with something they are trying to accomplish is because of the environments or situations they chose to put themselves in. And also they are successful because of what they chose to surround themselves with. For example, if you are trying to eat healthy and lose weight - you will want to ensure you surround yourself with plenty of healthy options at home and probably not hang out at Chilis or Applebees everyday for lunch. So, I have found that when I am struggling I make sure I am not around alcohol or activities involving alcohol that trigger me.
You want to die laughing? Do you know what the hardest thing has been for me to do sober? Traveling. Not being away from home - actually being at the airport and not sitting at the bar or in the lounge knocking back Pinot Grigio’s and dying laughing with random strangers in the airport. I’ve flown at least 6 or 7 times in the past six months but it definitely gives me a lot of anxiety.Good friends are like GOLD. I always knew I had good friends. And when I say good, I mean genuinely damn good people. I shared with my closest friends what I was going through and they have been incredible. In the beginning we did things that didn’t involved alcohol. I don’t know if that was on purpose but it meant more than they will ever know. There are still times when I’m not sure if I feel up to doing certain social things but knowing I’ll get to see one of my best friends and laugh with them always gets me through it and I end up having a ton of fun. And I am still the life of the party - I just go home on time and don’t have to worry about getting a DUI on the way home now.
My husband is truly my best friend. It is too difficult for me to put into words how crucial my husband’s support has been because I become way too emotional and just start crying. He didn’t sign up for this. He didn’t sign up for my mood swings and me not wanting to do a lot of the things we used to always enjoy. He has to navigate this road with me and I cannot imagine how difficult this is for him as well. I mean if I’m worried I’m going to relapse I can only imagine how worried he must be. He has been so amazing and keeps telling me how strong I am and how proud of me he is. That has made a world of difference.
The most unpleasant part of my drinking was how deceitful I was. How I was able to sneak around without getting caught and for the most part he didn’t realize what a terrible hold the alcohol had on me. For that I will never forgive myself but I can try to be a better person and try to make him proud of me. And let’s be honest - I’m going to continue to get stuck going to these ridiculous sporting events but for him I will do it! Go Sports!
This is enough for now. I need to lay out a framework for how I’m going to share and how I am going to make this make sense. So, if you made it this far, THANK YOU! And if you think you might have a problem with alcohol and need someone to talk to - you know where to find me. XOXO, Court
My snookums! The reason I have made it this far.